The Key to Not Burning Down a Church Is Good Communication

Happy Valentine's Day, Raven! Sorry you had to spend yesterday getting turned into an allergic pin cushion. Sounds decidedly unpleasant. I hope today was significantly more pleasant and less filled with allergens (excepting all cat shaped allergens).

Today's title is brought to you by our lovely friend Stork (yup, still not using real names), but also by Crow and the tabletop D&D game he is running for Raven and some of other friends. In this game a great warlock (who'd basically sold his soul to the fae for badass magic powers) goes to a church to get a spell he really, really wants. His patron (a fae who is a bit jealous of organized religion) demands recompense for this grand betrayal and the warlock foolishly offers himself up as willing to do anything. His patron's response? Burn down a church.

The irony Crow says is the patron might have been able to get him that spell if only he'd asked instead of going behind his patron's back.

When I jokingly remarked that I should post the story for tonight's blog (having little else to say tonight) Stork jokingly suggested the title. But the more I think about it, the more appropriate the subject seems for the day. Not the D&D story, though I am glad to share my ridiculous nerdiness with the world at large, but the moral of the story. Communication is the key to a strong, healthy relationship. Even if the relationship is between a semi-evil, tainted warlock and his faerie patron.

I didn't want to just post a regular post for Valentine's Day, but I also wasn't interested in posting something super sappy and drivel-ridden for the day either. But talking about communication on a day about relationships seems to fit perfectly.

Since I am exhausted and have work tomorrow morning and also because I think brevity is good here I'm going to boil this down to a list of habits I think are essential to good communication in any relationship.

6 Rules For Communicating Well in Any Relationship

I'm communicating... with my fists...

Listen first, then respond. This sounds like an obvious one. And it is. But we don't always do it. Sometimes, especially when we know someone well we start to think we know what they're going to say before they say it. Or we think a conversation is about something it really isn't. Or we bring preconceptions into the conversation. Don't do any of that. Listen. Really listen. And then respond to what was said.

Sympathy and empathy aren't the same. Know when to use which. The key to both empathy and sympathy is in sharing an emotion and that can be a very good thing for both positive and negative emotions, but empathy - really entering into a person's emotional state - isn't always what is needed. For either party. For example getting caught up a friend's anger at a situation may be just what is called for when they want to vent about someone who cut them off in traffic. It may be less productive when they are mad at their boss and about to send an angry, standoffish e-mail. Sympathy means understanding the anger, sadness, etc, but not giving in to feeling it yourself. In some situations it's best for one party to stay calm (though I have learned after many years of calmness that sometimes you need to get carried away with the other person).

If you need it, ask for it. Again, should be a no-brainer, but it's not. Your friend, no matter how long you've been friends, isn't necessarily going to know that you talking every day about your new job really bothers you because you're having trouble at yours right now. Or maybe you hate the smell of oranges. Or maybe you need to know the secrets of the priests, but all you have is your friend the angry fae. Your friends won't know any of your needs unless you open your mouth and say something. If you need something, say something. Just do it tactfully. And respectfully. And perhaps most importantly, without judgment or accusations.

To be honest... I need you to never wear that moose again. Okay?

Don't assume. You don't want to be the ass. Don't assume your friends know that you don't want to go out. Don't assume they do. This is sort of a combination of #1 and #3. Ask first, then listen for the response (not just for the one you want to hear) and then act on what was said. Be open and assume others will do the same for you.

Give yourself and your friends permission to mess everything up. We all have bad days. We all say stupid stuff that we wish we hadn't or didn't really mean. And that is one part of this rule. Forgiveness is a big part of communication in friendship. If someone is truly sorry and seeks out your forgiveness don't take that lightly. Give forgiveness where it is due with the knowledge that you'll need that forgiveness someday yourself. The other part of this rule is harder (at least for me). There are some subjects that are very important to us, but make us uncomfortable to talk about. For me this is often social politics (race, gender, class, etc). It's hard to talk about these things and we all have a million prejudices on the subjects. We're bound to say something stupid (or at least something that sounds stupid) from time to time. And we're likely to hear something we think is stupid. It's okay to have these conversations and for them to be uncomfortable. To really know a person something that's what you have to do. And most importantly for our prejudices to vanish and our beliefs to evolve we have to first discover what they are and learn what we want them to be. I don't think you can do that without having at least a few awkward conversations with people you really trust. Which brings us to our final point...

Trust. A definite no-brainer. Secrets are secrets. Keep them that way unless it would put a friend in danger. Beyond that, trust that a friend has all the facts for their own life. Let them make their own choices without second guessing them. Give your advice and opinions then take a step back. We're all big boys and girls here.

I'm still working on a lot of these and admit to making many communication missteps. Anything you think I should add? Anything different on your list?

Raven - I'll hear from you (and see you!) tomorrow!

By the way, your punishment has been decided - You will have to write a blog post about the virtues of something you don't necessarily like yourself. I don't want you to do something you actually hate (no 50 Shades of Grey - though I may hate that more than you... not sure), just something you don't normally appreciate. You can pick anything you want (Republicans, facebook games, romance novels) just as long as it's not a subject you would normally sing the praises of. This challenge is at Stork's suggestion! Thank you Stork!