Sorry for the break in posts! Monday was a very long day for me at work (12+ hours) and was a difficult day on top of that. Those of you who saw me this weekend can attest to the issues I was looking forward to. Fortunately, the day went much better than predicted.
I am a nanny. Not a babysitter. The two are very similar, but I draw a pretty big distinction between them. A babysitter, to me, is not someone who is heavily invested in their charges day to day life. They don't have a lot of input in house rules and they don't spend regular, long chunks of time with the kids. Babysitters come for a night. Nannies are regular household fixtures. They get recognized by classroom teachers, playdates and playdate parents, even the mailman. And that is me.
I usually spend between 15 and 30 hours every week with the kids (I watch 2). I feel invested in both of them as individuals and I feel like a part of their family. It's a unique and sometimes slightly uncomfortable place to be, but I love it. And I love the kids I spend my days with. But they are kids and it's not an easy job by any stretch. The younger of my two charges is a particular challenge. She is in 1st grade and is already very willful, very clever, and very independent. It's an extremely formidable combination and it is going to take her places in life, but it is more often than not, the cause of huge headaches for both me and her parents.
Friday night I found myself at the house late, after the kids had both gone to bed (the parents have unpredictable work schedules - hence the need for me). When their dad got home from work we had a talk about how his youngest had been acted out (picking on her older sibling, categorically refusing to do as she was asked, pulling attention by being mean or a bully) and how both parents were at their wits end. I understand now (though I never would have before seeing children raised up close and personal) that most parents feel this way a lot of the time. I will always believe kids are a huge blessing to us, but that doesn't mean raising them is always fun or even enjoyable. And this week had been one of those utter unenjoyable weeks for my nanny family. By the end of it the mild mannered dad was pulling his hair out and their slightly more human mother was barely speaking to her youngest child. Having been with the family for close to 2 years now, I can understand how the situation came about. Their youngest is a force to be reckoned with but this was different and worse than usual. Neither parent could account for the change and their daughter was not forthcoming with information on what had put her in such a delightful mood.
I came to work Monday ready for battle. Or at least confrontation (something I am not good at). But there was surprisingly little to be had. I found her somewhat subdued after her weekend (turns out she'd been pretty sick on Sunday and that can mellow anyone out in a hurry). The morning was peaceful (or as peaceful as any morning with two young kids can be) and chores were done with a minimum of fuss. The fighting, such as it was, came after school. I had to review some basics - like why we don't pick gum up off the ground and put it back in our mouths. There was some rules review - unless you are actively sick school days are not movie days. And a bit more rules review - when you make a commitment to an activity you have to see it through, even when it's hard to tear yourself away from something fun to do it. But after all that (and I will mention that all that took the better part of 2 hours to sort out) we managed to have a good afternoon with no nasty words, temper tantrums, or sibling squabbles. Mission accomplished.
Days like that get me to thinking about being a kid again and the things that made it so hard. As a nanny I am finally seeing childhood from the other side and realizing all the things kids will do to get their way. As an adult I see these things are underhanded, mean-spirited, or sometimes just plain cruel, but I'm sure I did them when I was young. And I'm equally sure I felt justified in those actions. When you're a child you see the world in a different way, and perhaps just as importantly, the world sees you in a different way. You aren't able to set your own rules, because no matter how grown up you feel you still don't always know all the far off consequences of your actions (or inactions). You don't really get a lot of say in what activities you do or when you do them. Parents get a lot of input there in how much you commit to and when those commitments will be. Something I often forget is that kids just haven't learned a lot about the world yet and even if they have it can be hard to contextualize. Your brain just isn't developed enough at 7 years old to realize that doing something you don't want to do isn't the end of the world. It can't understand that grown ups have struggles too and often do things they don't want to. From the outside adulthood looks pretty awesome. And so does childhood.
Both children and adults are equally guilty of idealizing the other's lives. Children don't have things easy. They are doing their best to make sense of the world around them and find their place in it. We, as adults, may still be doing that ourselves (while putting up with taxes, jobs, and other pesky adult responsibilities) but we have the power to determine it for ourselves, in our time, and in our own way. More often than not, kids are not afforded that luxury. They have to go to school, do what their parents and other adults tell them to, and follow rules they may not completely understand or agree with (and there's very little recourse if you don't want to do or want to fight any of these childhood responsibilities).
As my mother often tells me when I regale her with the newest story of my difficulties at work, "It's hard work being 7 (or any other young age)." And I think she's right. I always try to remember that on days like Monday when it feels so hard to be an adult. Sometimes it even helps.
Showing posts with label Mom. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Mom. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 21, 2015
Thursday, April 16, 2015
Fake it Till You Make It
Hey all,
Tonight I wanted to write about being An Adult because it's something I'm grappling with a lot these days. What does it mean to be an adult? How do I feel more grown-up? Will I ever really feel grown-up? How do I become a mature, responsible, and employed adult while not losing the things I value from my childhood and adolescence? I don't have the answer to any of these questions and I'm pretty sure it will be a long time before I formulate answers, but I can tell you what I've been thinking.
This list basically boils down to exactly what Raven said when I asked her what being an adult meant. She said (and I'm paraphrasing) that being an adult meant having the ability to eat cake for dinner and the knowledge to realize you shouldn't eat cake for dinner. At least not every night (my addition). As a kid we all think being a grown-up will mean freedom. From rules, from homework, from our parents. But when we get there we realize that there are a whole a bunch of rules that were there for a reason, not to mention new rules like rent, debt, job performance, the list goes on. And now that we are grown and dependent primarily on ourselves the rules have become a lot more important. When you broke a rule as a kid you got sent to your room, maybe yelled at a little, perhaps even grounded. As an adult if you break a rule the consequences can be longer lasting. Don't go to work? Get fired. Don't pay rent? Lose your house. Don't pay your student loans promptly? You will never buy anything on credit ever. Seriously, it will be a struggle to get a credit card.
Now those might be exaggerated consequences of each event, but you get the idea. Consequences as big and very real in your adult years. So how do you manage all the rules and expectations of you while avoiding the very big and very real consequences and trying to have some fun while you hold on to parts of your childhood on the way?
That's not rhetorical, by the way. I don't have an answer. If anyone out there does I would love to hear it.
Every time I contemplate adulthood I can't help but picture my ideal of an Adult: my mother. I always thought as a child that someday (when I was 20 I think was the random age I picked) I would wake up and it would click, I would have superpowers just like her. I would be able to cook meals that rivaled a master chef, keep an apartment clean with basically no effort, wrangle difficult children (read my sister and I) with ease, run errands in a flash, and pop out of bed early every morning wide awake and happy to be that way.
Needless to say that did not happen on the morning of my 20th birthday. And I'm sure that wasn't what my mother's life was really like, but let me tell you - she made the toughest job in the world look so easy. Everyone's heard the saying that daughters eventually turn into their mothers, right? It's a pretty common trope on sitcoms and romcoms. It's supposed to be a bad thing, but that what I wanted more than anything else in the world.
But now that I am a grown-up I have to face the hard truth - I am so far away from being my mother. I'm sure my mother would tell me that that's okay. That I am just different and have my own strengths. Strengths she doesn't have, just as I don't have hers. But still, when I close my eyes and picture an adult, it isn't my face I see. It's hers.
And I don't think that's a bad thing. I think it's a goal I would like to work towards - becoming my mother. Maybe not in all ways. We are, after all, very different people and I know we both appreciate the differences. But I want to get better at the things I most admire her for. So I'm going to end this post the way I started it: with a list.
Time for bed like a responsible adult. Work in the morning, then I have a fun surprise planned for Raven. I wonder if she'll read the blog before we go to bed tonight...
Best wishes!
Owl
*If you're curious... I've got numbers 1, 3, 4, 6, and 7 down most days, but the others are a constant struggle.
**Some people say if they could look like their mother when they get to her age they'd be happy. I would be happy to look like my mother right now.
Tonight I wanted to write about being An Adult because it's something I'm grappling with a lot these days. What does it mean to be an adult? How do I feel more grown-up? Will I ever really feel grown-up? How do I become a mature, responsible, and employed adult while not losing the things I value from my childhood and adolescence? I don't have the answer to any of these questions and I'm pretty sure it will be a long time before I formulate answers, but I can tell you what I've been thinking.
Let's start with my list of qualifications for adulthood in no particular order... (This is all what I think being an adult means)
1. Living away from your parents (this one is super culturally bound, but for me it would not be possible to be an adult in the way I want if I still lived with parents)
2. Working towards or furthering a career - not a job
3. Being (somewhat) financially secure (I don't mean you own a home and have a 401K - though kudos if you do - I mean not worrying about missing rent at the end of the month)
4. Having an active and healthy social life/dating life (dating life only if desired)
5. Developing a strong sense of self (we are constantly developing ourselves so we should never be completely settled in who we are, but as an adult we should have some idea and be working on it actively)
6. Eating and living in a healthy manner (diet and exercise, y'all)
7. Decorating your living space (it's not college anymore, a home is somewhat more permanent and should reflect that)
8. Not moving every single year
9. Cleaning (this goes along with #7 and your house not looking like a dorm room)
*
This list basically boils down to exactly what Raven said when I asked her what being an adult meant. She said (and I'm paraphrasing) that being an adult meant having the ability to eat cake for dinner and the knowledge to realize you shouldn't eat cake for dinner. At least not every night (my addition). As a kid we all think being a grown-up will mean freedom. From rules, from homework, from our parents. But when we get there we realize that there are a whole a bunch of rules that were there for a reason, not to mention new rules like rent, debt, job performance, the list goes on. And now that we are grown and dependent primarily on ourselves the rules have become a lot more important. When you broke a rule as a kid you got sent to your room, maybe yelled at a little, perhaps even grounded. As an adult if you break a rule the consequences can be longer lasting. Don't go to work? Get fired. Don't pay rent? Lose your house. Don't pay your student loans promptly? You will never buy anything on credit ever. Seriously, it will be a struggle to get a credit card.
Now those might be exaggerated consequences of each event, but you get the idea. Consequences as big and very real in your adult years. So how do you manage all the rules and expectations of you while avoiding the very big and very real consequences and trying to have some fun while you hold on to parts of your childhood on the way?
That's not rhetorical, by the way. I don't have an answer. If anyone out there does I would love to hear it.
Every time I contemplate adulthood I can't help but picture my ideal of an Adult: my mother. I always thought as a child that someday (when I was 20 I think was the random age I picked) I would wake up and it would click, I would have superpowers just like her. I would be able to cook meals that rivaled a master chef, keep an apartment clean with basically no effort, wrangle difficult children (read my sister and I) with ease, run errands in a flash, and pop out of bed early every morning wide awake and happy to be that way.
Needless to say that did not happen on the morning of my 20th birthday. And I'm sure that wasn't what my mother's life was really like, but let me tell you - she made the toughest job in the world look so easy. Everyone's heard the saying that daughters eventually turn into their mothers, right? It's a pretty common trope on sitcoms and romcoms. It's supposed to be a bad thing, but that what I wanted more than anything else in the world.
But now that I am a grown-up I have to face the hard truth - I am so far away from being my mother. I'm sure my mother would tell me that that's okay. That I am just different and have my own strengths. Strengths she doesn't have, just as I don't have hers. But still, when I close my eyes and picture an adult, it isn't my face I see. It's hers.
And I don't think that's a bad thing. I think it's a goal I would like to work towards - becoming my mother. Maybe not in all ways. We are, after all, very different people and I know we both appreciate the differences. But I want to get better at the things I most admire her for. So I'm going to end this post the way I started it: with a list.
10 Ways To Be More Like My Mother
1. Be more organized in my routines and my home
2. Keep calm and carry on (my mother was and is a master of this one)
3. Live intentionally and with a purpose
4. Take more walks in nature - be more a part of nature
5. Be kind and loving in every interaction
6. Patience. Patience. Patience.
7. Listen more
8. Do what I love and find a way to do it for a living
9. Exercise more**
10. Pursue lifelong learning and enrichment
Maybe we all just fake it until we become it. We find an adult we respect, imitate them, and after a while it isn't imitation anymore. It's how most animals learn how to survive and thrive, after all. To all of you who aren't Owl Mom: Thanks for reading my ramblings about my mother. I can never find too many good things to say about her. I don't know if Owl Mom reads this blog, but if she does: Thank you to you, too Mom Owl. I learned it all from the best. Someday I want to be a grown-up like you - just like I wanted when I was a kid.
Time for bed like a responsible adult. Work in the morning, then I have a fun surprise planned for Raven. I wonder if she'll read the blog before we go to bed tonight...
Best wishes!
Owl
*If you're curious... I've got numbers 1, 3, 4, 6, and 7 down most days, but the others are a constant struggle.
**Some people say if they could look like their mother when they get to her age they'd be happy. I would be happy to look like my mother right now.
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